My husband and I created our daughter Sammy the good old-fashioned way. A year later, while all my girlfriends were getting pregnant with their second and third children, I was undergoing an infertility incursion, an incursion that took me into the depths of despair. At that time, I was grasping for a miracle. But here’s the thing about grasping: it comes from a place of desperation, anxiety and fear. And here’s the thing about miracles: when we are grasping, we often do not have the wisdom to perceive miracles even when they are unfolding right in front of our eyes.
This is a story about a miracle named Sammy, and the greatest lesson secondary infertility taught me. It taught me that not everything in life unfolds as we expect or desire, and that each any every experience can teach us a lot and carry great meaning. Don’t get me wrong; while I was going through the experience, I didn’t see the value of a lesson. It is only now, with the pain behind me, that I can articulate this feeling.
Our daughter Sammy came into this world with great ease. When she was born it felt like we experienced a miracle, and now she has grown into an amazing little girl.
I am so grateful for Sammy, but I wanted her to have a sibling. I always wanted a big family. I had come from one. It was so easy to conceive her but when we started trying for our second child, things were far from easy. What had changed with our fertility?
When Sammy was just over one, we were told that my husband has a vericocele (a big bulging vein in his scrotum) that would likely affect his sperm quality. With a DNA fragmentation of higher than 20%, we were told IVF with ICSI was our best option. My husband was going to have surgery to remove the vericocele and I knew that the process would require healing time. Who wanted to wait? Certainly not me; I wanted it now. After four unsuccessful in-utero inseminations, we proceeded to our first IVF cycle. We put back two embryos.
The two week wait was difficult. I was on edge to put it mildly. The first few days I tried to take it real easy. In the second week, I put my hands up in the air and surrendered. I had done all I could and now all that was left to do was hope and pray.
Just when I was certain our IVF cycle failed, we found out that it worked, and it worked very well. On March 13, 2010, I gave birth to a set of boy/girl twins.
My story is one of hope with a happy ending. I have used my story to inspire others who may be struggling on their own fertility journey. My experience has shaped my life as a mother and as a professional. I knew when I was going through my fertility struggle, that one day I wanted to help others along their fertility journey. When the twins were only six months, I started a mind body fertility support group to help connect women coping with infertility.
Today, I run the Mind Body Fertility Group at Mt. Sinai Fertility Hospital in Toronto. I have a private practice geared specifically toward women and couples who are trying to conceive. In hindsight, secondary infertility was a tremendous gift to me in so many ways so that despite my anxieties and concerns back when I was trying to conceive, I wouldn’t change my experience for anything.
Amira Posner is Healing Infertility’s lead clinician. She is a professional therapist with both a Bachelor and Masters Degrees in Social Work from the University of Manitoba. Amira has unique mind body training – she is a certified hypnotherapist and is a Fertile Body Method Practitioner. She runs Mind Body Fertility Groups at Mt. Sinai Hospital.
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